Divorce and Spousal Grieving

Questions:

1. According to the research presented by Stephanie Coontz, how does divorce affect children, and what factors account for the variation in these effects?

Stephanie Coontz’s article discusses the effects of divorce on children but also corrects some commonly misconstrued data about the date of children whose parents have split. Surely divorce can interfere with effective parenting and deprive children of parental resources. It’s true that children whose parents have divorced or have remarried are more likely to drop out of school, exhibit emotional distress, get in trouble with the law, and abuse drugs or alcohol than those kids who grow up in stable two parent households, most kids in every group avoid these problems. Coontz explains, it’s not that “children in divorced families have more problems but that more children of divorced parents have problems” (C 99). Also, a large amount of children in the divorced parents group score higher than the average score of children in the non-divorced group and likewise, a large amount of children in the non divorced group score lower than the average score of children whose parents are divorced. Basically there is a larger degree of ‘variability’ for the children of the divorced. There are many reasons for these effects. Those children who exhibited long term grieving and test samples, did so mainly because they had already sought therapy. Their problems could have also begun long before the divorce –few studies are done to see what children are like years before their parents divorce. Most kids do not suffer long term problems or drop out of school and there are also few differences between socioeconomic backgrounds. Divorce does not account for the majority of these social problems. Many of the problems that might perpetuate divorce, probably also perpetuate these problems. These include preexisting poverty, early marriage, unstable relationships etc. Also, there more divorces a child experiences (or remarriages) the more problems the child is likely to have. They show the poorest adjustment, as well as children of anti social mothers who had trouble transitioning and had poor parenting skills (especially with their sons). Many factors that happen after divorce, like financial lost, school change, home change etc also cause problems –not just the divorce. Many problems and differences in behavior of children are also due to income, lower maternal education and other factors that usually are found with single parents. The amount of aggressive TV that boys watch also often affects their reactions. “The worst problems,” as Coontz states, “for children stem from parental conflict, before, during, and after divorce –or within marriage. In fact, children in “intact” families that are marked by high levels of conflict tend to do worse than children in divorced and never married families” (C 102). Most behavior issues in children were found in them months or years prior to the divorce. Also, differences in custody can affect the way children behave after divorce. This depends on the amount of involvement of the non-custodial parent, usually the father.

There are clearly many differences that affect how children act before during and after divorce, and kids who are in stable families also have many problems. I think this article was very interesting because it gave a new spin on the fact that all kids who’s parents divorce are screwed up. It made the most important point of all, which is that it is most likely worse for kids to remain in households where their parents fight all the time. That itself, I believe, is so much worse than parents splitting up and solving their problems.

2. According to Furstenberg and Cherlin, what factors affect short-term and long-term adjustment of children to divorce?

There are many different factors that Furstenberg and Cherlin present as factors that affect short term and long term adjustment of children to divorce. The authors state, “It is reasonable to expect that this pre disruption conflict, and the corresponding emotional upset on the part of the parents, may cause problems for children” (C+F 1). They state that many children show signs of disturbance months or possibly years before their parents separate. Many more parents also had conflict with their sons prior to divorce, not so much as with girls. Also, people who divorce are more likely to have married as teenagers and to have begun their marriages after the wife was pregnant, less religious, and less stable environments for their children. Also, the way the divorce unfurled and the parents cope depends on the way the children adjust. If the divorce happens when they are older, kids are more likely to be angry. If it happens when they are younger and less able to grasp what it means, they are more likely to blame themselves. During the grieving period, about the first 2 years after the divorce, children need emotional support as they struggle with the breakup and they also need structure. Lack of these two things on the part of the parent or parents is likely to disrupt their lives more and cause more adverse effects. Overburdened and stressed parents are likely to allow this to happen. Distressed mothers respond irritably to their sons’ disrespectful behavior and aggravate this bad behavior. Boys’ behavior is also likely affected by the fact they live with a parent of the opposite sex, where studies show children fare better with a parent of the same sex after a divorce. Cherlin and Furstenberg sum up their argument by explaining that “researchers agree that almost all children are moderately or severely distressed when their parents separate and that most continue to experience confusion, sadness, or anger for a period of months and even years” (C+F 494). There are basically many differences in short term reactions of children, but age and gender definitely play a role in it.

In terms of factors that affect long term adjustment to divorce. Most kids, after about two years return to normal, but some of course suffer long term consequences. These were mainly those with extensive psychiatric histories or those who previously had behavior problems. The fighting and conflict of the parents during the duration of the divorce and after also play a huge role in behavioral problems. The authors state, “in 1981, children whose parents had divorced or separated were doing no worse than children whose parents were intact, high-conflict homes. And children whose parents’ marriages were intact but highly conflicted in both 1976 and 1981 were doing the worst of all. Thus divorce might be a better option in certain situations. The authors cite that the way the custodial parent acts as a parents has a large effect on the children because their stress or happiness is palpable. Loss of income can affect the children as well has the maintenance of relationship with the non-custodial parent –usually the father. All of these things play a large role in the way children fare after divorce.

3. According to Carr, what three factors are the most important influences on spousal bereavement? How does gender shape the experience of spousal loss?

According to Carr’s article, the most important influences on spousal bereavement are the age of the husband and wife, how the spouse died, and what the couples life was like prior to death. Older spouses having different coping mechanisms than younger couples because most of their peers are dealing with similar losses and thus they can commiserate. Also, when an older spouse dies, usually they have lived a long and successful life, and death is inevitable eventually. Younger spouses who die are most likely to have had their lives cut short, without ever getting to accomplish goals and grow old together. Also, older people have lower levels have emotional reactivity, helping them deal with the death of spouse better than their younger counterparts. Also for older people, deaths of their spouses were usually stressful ordeals as a result of old age and disease/illness. The time shortly or even a few years before the death can be emotionally and physically trying for the other spouse who care for them. Those who had closer knit relationships showed more signs of depression in comparison to those with less close relationships. They were more likely to feel released from a bad situation.

Gender also affects the way people grieve, especially right now, because roles were so divided in the baby boomer era. For example, men were usually bread winners, so women spouses are mostly like to suffer financially because they probably never held a paying job. Men are more likely to get sick because their wives are no longer present to remind them to eat healthy, take medicines, and give up vices. Also, men become less social because once their wife dies, their social network usually goes with it. They no longer keep in touch with relatives, or friends, as usually their wives were friends. But, men are more likely to remarry because men usually marry younger women, and more women are alive for them to date. Clearly, different genders have different things that they lose when their spouse dies that they have to learn to cope with.